On Being Done, though Unfinished

Self-observation does not come easy for me. I’m about as self-aware as a golden retriever. My situation is beginning to sink in.

I’ve been sick with this blood cancer for about five years. My physicality has diminished, quickly at first, then gradually since. I really am quite incapable of more than minimal physical activity, and even that makes me shot for the rest of the day. I have already outlived the doctor’s expectations. Thus, I have sunk into more of a mental existence, of necessity.

This sinking is as frustrating for me as it is for those who love me. Yet, I cannot avoid it and must accept it, as must they.

I have fancied myself something of a conscience for the church in my little corner of the world. I have tried to be prophetic in the true sense of the word. I have tried to learn to be a faithful interpreter of scripture and have tried to use that interpretation in practical directions. I have, in the past, been modestly influential in the thinking of a handful of church leaders.

I now realize, as part of this painful analysis that I am unwillingly participating in, that I have no further standing for being influential in any corner of the church other than the one in my own head. I no longer deserve to be heard. My thoughts are no longer worthy of sharing.

Thus, I have determined to discontinue any posting that has the purpose of influencing the church and its people in how to behave and in how to think about behavior. Ethics is theology. That is, how we live is based on how we truly think about God.

But I’ll be leaving the job of “conscience” to those younger and more physically well than I. And to the Holy Spirit, so far as he is allowed to work in the church.

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